Today was my last sunday at metro. The service was amazing. But kinda in a depressing way. I noticed that every song seemed to basically say "the Lord be with you cause Im never gonna see you again" which i don't think was intentional, but it happened. And so that put me in a mood. You know, the reflective kind.

I haven't really talked about my experience with many people. mostly because it is so different compared to anything most people i know have ever experienced, it would just take more than a phone conversation to explain it. And really, there is no way to explain it unless you are in my crazy head.

And as i am begining to realize that its pretty much over, I am trying to process it. But what i am thinking right now is that i really like it here. and that thought surprises me because i miss home a lot, but its almost as if this fits too. Today after the service a few of my church friends told me that they were sure I would be back...they said some people always find their way back, and that i was one of those people. And honestly, i could see it happening. The opportunity is there.

but the question i keep coming to is "who am i supposed to be." because what i have realized is that the people here, church here, and life here is not like at home. and it honestly is a different world. so what does God have and want for me. Can i be who i am at home here, or will i be transformed, and can i be who i am here at home or will i slowly shift back into that world. and i am just constantly pushed with the questions of what my life is going to look like in a year...if i am supposed to be married or go to the peace corp or come to nyc or move back home... no one is asking these things except me. self inflicted questions

welcome to my life

so i think i am going to put these questions on hold for a little while. at least so that i can experience my "last" moments. with the kids. with my friends. with the city. and i will cry. i know i will. its what i do.

so just in case you were wondering, that is my life at this moment. always check out my facebook pictures for a more visual update of my life.

much love <3

3rd time's a charm

BAH
i go to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre on Sundays. Ive been 3 times. Mostly so that I could possibly see Amy Poehler, my alltime fav famous person.

and tonight, my life was awesome b/c she was there.
but thats not all.

they have this thing they do @ the comedy club where they ask for a word. so everyone knows its all improv.
and when amy asked i yelled out "Pocahontas".

then... she looked me in the eye, pointed her finger at me and said "YES. thats great. Pocahontas"

thus making this night, July 19th 2009 the best night of my life.

thank you amy poehler and thank you pocahontas
[sorry for the blurry. pics are not allowed]

[amy and seth meyer. snl weekend update]

ps

oh and ps. this is what my dad sent me. i would like to take this moment to tell everyone who is reading this that my dad is a good man and he creatively thought to send this to me and even did it in purple font which shows me that he knows me. and that is a blessing. and i am so thankful for him in my life. so thanks dad. i love you.

clarity

Have you ever ate a hershey's kiss? I'm going to go with "yes." The sweet taste of the milk chocolatiness in your mouth; it is just wonderful. Its like nothing is better than that little piece of chocolate. Untill about 3 seconds after you swallow it and you realize how short lived that kiss was and how you really wish you could have had another. And when you have dug through your bag and realized you are all out of hershey's kisses, you begin to wonder if you should have just stayed away from the kiss in the first place. You wonder if it is worth it...

well as i am writing this, i am seeing the amazing way that is a metaphor for many aspects of life. But right now, for me, it relates to my past week. See Reynolda Church of W-S was here, bringing love and hugs from home to NYC. And boy was it wonderful. It was such an encouraging week. Just to be around people who I kind of knew and who i trusted and who's beliefs were similar to mine. It was great.

And then on Thursday, I hopped on a bus and rode 2 hours to Philly to meet my youth group while they were at Fuge. And seeing my church, my family, was unreal. Being hugged by a few Browns was just the best feeling ever.

and then, i had to come back here.

and then, the church went home.

and now, here I sit on my bed on a saturday afternoon, slightly saddened by the taste left in my mouth that makes me want to just have one more little morsel of home. But there is no more to be found.

BUT

i am ok

It was a great week. and it was so sweet, but right now in this moment, i realize that i am still content with where I am. If i had the opportunity to leave, there is no way that I would. Because being here where I am, even though it is far from the familiar, is exactly where i am supposed to be.

Camp is amazing. I love the cooking. I love dancing with the kids and playing games and the joys of seeing their smiling faces every morning. And even though when they leave at 3:00 everyday, I am exhausted and could just collapse, I still love it.

and so what i am begining to think is that maybe I love it for a reason.

Maybe this is what I was made for.

NYC? idk. But being around children? I am begining to think so.

So those are my thoughts.

I've been reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. And whether or not you agree with the Bell or not, I am begining to see truth within this book. And it is good. And I can't really put it into words, but the purpose of life is becoming a little bit more clear to me. When I carry my guitar to the roof and worship, things become clear. When i have two hour conversations with friends cross country, things clear up. When I discuss the word of God with the homeless woman across the street, my female pastor, my male pastor and my homosexual church friends in Sunday morning Bible Study, things just become clear.

Hopefully clarity will continue to come.

G I G A T T

red white and blue

The courtyard cookout..

Here are a few pictures from the roof of the nyc fireworks show. it was pretty much awesome.

Oh, and here is the mob walking back afterwards...

Hope you enjoyed your holiday.

-Steph

"dunzo"

Week One of Camp is offically over. Yesterday Robert and I were preparing dinner for the teen center and he asked me "on a scale of 1-10, 10 being you love this place and could work here for the rest of your life, and 1 being you hate it and want to go home, how would you rate your experience so far?" I told him a 9. :)

Clearly I love it. I mean, its the joy of working at Camp Mundo Vista, only you get to tell the kids to go home at 3:00 every afternoon:) Which is nice. But, this is very different from CMV. You may have heard tail of one of my responsibilites this summer. Its summed up in 2 words...

CHEF STEPH

Yes, i am the cook here this summer. I know, many of you are laughing at the sight of me in a hair net, but just so you know, i get to wear a baseball hat instead! Cooking for 65 everyday is not easy and i now have so much compassion for all my fellow cafeteria workers out there. Mad props to ya. Every day we [by we, i mean the amazing people who help me on the mission teams...couldn't do it without them!] start cooking lunch around 11 and serve lunch a little after 12. I have no clue how it happens, but we are pretty much on time. So far it has been scary, because honestly i didn't wanna be the dumb dumb who was in charge of a junky lunch or the person who accidentally poisoned camp. Yea, a lot of pressure, huh? But its been great. so from now on you can refer to me as "chef steph"

So here i am, sitting at 8:30 typing a blog. Many are thinking "why aren't you out experiencing the city?" Well, let me just tell you, # 1, im tired. But also, i ahve realized that after being here for 3 weeks, the whole New York City hoopla kinda gets old and you just realize that people live here and experience it everyday...and i am slowly becoming one of those people. Do i plan on doing lots of fun stuff, sure, but i also plan on doing fun stuff anywhere i go. so yea.

Well, i think i am going to head upstairs and do a little strightening up of the room and maybe some reading. Tomorrow is my day off and i have bookoos of plans, so gotta get bored tonight so tomorrow will be awesome.

much love
-chef steph

view from subway on the way to far rockaway beach aka "frockaway". overground subway was cool.

blister mentioned in previous blog

rat in the subway.

Just wanted to show a few pics. Many more pics are on Facebook, so if you are not a member you should become one [aka, dad] so you can look at my many adventurous pics!

Much love

steph

surprises, blisters and some lessons

So to those of you who have sent me mail [Joseph, Blue, Megan, and Leigh] I just want to take this time to say thank you. It has encouraged me when I really needed it!

So Sunday I dressed up in my vintage dress and part of the awesome outfit is my high heel shoes. BUT after church those shoes were a bad idea because I got some serious, i mean serious blisters on my feet. You may see a few pics on my FB page soon. But right now i am dealing with the consequences of trying to look awesome. (Princess, you would be proud.)

Today on our way back from a field trip run, some of the staff and I stopped at a corner like usual and noticed a group of people gathered right at the corner. I peered through the crowd and noticed a man lying on the ground with a bicycle between his legs. And when the crowd's parted i saw that he was clearly unconscious. Close to his head a puddle of blood began to pour out onto the black tar paved New York City street. His chest was slowly rising and falling. It looked just like a scene from law and order only this scene was real. Evidently this man was on his bike attempting to cross the street and collided with a car. People around said the car drove away. We arrived in the crowd just a few minutes after it happened because emergency people weren't there yet. When I saw this scene, it was as if someone punched me in my stomach and kept my heart from beating. My heart still hurts. Prayers flew up as I knew that was all I could do in that moment. Police officers arrived as we were leaving.

So as much as this situation hurt me, I realized something very enlightening about the human race. So many people say that they have given up on the human race, that people don't care about people and that compassion is no longer present. but after what I saw today I can make a statement against this claim. There was a group of people surrounding this man who was hit. A few who ran down the street and try to find some help, store workers coming out to help. Though this crowd of people probably didn't even know this man, they sacrificed their time, their energy and their well being to be there for him. And clearly they were not leaving. 21st Century good Samaritan? i don't know if that's how to interpret it. But the next time someone tells me not to smile at anyone in ny or not to look anyone in the eye because people here are just mean and rude, i think i will reject that advice. People are good. God created us to be compassionate and to care. and i saw that today. a block from where i live. hopefully you will be more attuned to see it too...